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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Add a Comment1230 Comments
Me TOO! I lost more weight than what I weigh now before I met my boyfriend and I have made the effort to maintain my weight for 2 years... then i met my man. I havebeen so depressed about the whole sex thing i've stopped caring and am eating crap again. I've put on 10kgs! Everyone thinks I look better now, but all I think about is that I just want to have a reason why i'm not getting any - and if it's coz i'm fat, then it feels a bit better. I'm now depressed abotu that too! God! Is it that unreasonable for us to feel attractive and to be shown how much we are loved?
December 18, 2009 - 2:30amThis Comment
Im having the same problem as well. Like we use to have sex all the time but here lately he doesnt make me feel sexy. I dont want to cheat he is the only one i want i just want him to want me that way too. I want him to want me. Like I know sex isnt everything but when you get to where your not getting it at all i mean to me it puts a string on it. He is older then me and i mean he tells me that he is stressed and tired. I dont want to sound selfish but what am i suppose to do on my end?
October 27, 2009 - 5:34pmThis Comment
Anon,
You are not "supposed" to do anything. Everything depends on you, your partner and the specifics of your relationship. There are so many things that could be going on. If he is stressed, tired and feels pressure to "perform," that is not very motivating, and you may just need to relax and understand for a while. If there are other problems between the two of you -- perhaps with communication, or friends/family, or money -- those things tend to affect how things are in the bedroom as well. Or if you've been together a long time, you may just be in a transition phase where the two of you need to talk about this so that you understand how he's feeling and he understands that you are feeling rejected and unattractive.
How long have you been together? How old are you, and how old is he? Are there other things going on between the two of you that contribute to this?
October 29, 2009 - 8:13amThis Comment
i am going through the same thing. it was nice to know i wasn't the only person on the planet going through it. i can't explain in words how much better this made me feel.
October 25, 2009 - 8:34pmThis Comment
You dont know that he is cheating. Im having the same problem and i know hes not cheating. We moved in together and we were having sex all the time even before that now he never wants to in my heart i think its me and its killing me inside. He hates when i talk about it he just blows it off i dont want to find someone else cause i love him but this no sex thing is going to tear our relationship apart and i dont know what to do.
October 25, 2009 - 5:54pmThis Comment
I have the same problem with my wife so..........do you want to have sex with me????
October 19, 2009 - 6:58pmThis Comment
But what if this isn't a problem. What if it's just a fact of life and we just all had to live with less sex. Will that be so bad? Look, all the "problem" here seems to be in the beginning we had great sex. That's not rocket science. Anything new is exciting. Also, looks like when people live together or get married, things go downhill. I think it's just up to each of us how to deal with that. Maybe if we don't look at it as such a huge problem, then we wouldn't be so depressed and hopeless about it. I'm not saying we shouldn't do something about our sex lives. It is so very important. If we could live with the problem and be ok with it, the answer and solution will come.
October 17, 2009 - 8:49pmThis Comment
I am going through the same thing. My bf and I were together for 4 months in the same city, then he had to move to finish school in a diff country. We were long distance for 1.5 years, but got to see each other every 3 months for approx 2 weeks. Had great sex both in the 4 months and during our holidays together. I finally decided to make a move to be with him and now we have lived together for 5 months and have sex maybe twice a month... if that much, and I do have to seduce him... it's literally the only way. I haven't spoken to him about it because I keep hoping the problem will fix itself. I love him so much, but I'm not ready to give up on a passionate love life. I don't want to break up with him, but I can't stay in this relationship... I don't know how to fix it. I feel so very confused, dissapointed, hurt, rejected, unimportant and will need to take action soon. I just don't know exactly what yet.
October 17, 2009 - 2:10amThis Comment
Anon,
You need to talk with your boyfriend about this, and soon. The problem won't "fix itself," unless you can look at his life and know that it's because of an incredibly busy new schedule, or something like that.
The first four months you were together, everything was brand new and exciting. The two-week holidays you spent together were exciting as well -- you had not seen each other for three months, and were both anticipating being together as something very special and yearned-for.
But that's not the only reason that those two-week holidays were different from life now. The other reason they were different is because during those two weeks, each of you probably put aside some "routine" parts of life in order to be with one another, go out together, enjoy one another's company, and have sex. Maybe there were days taken off work. Maybe the laundry and dishes waited for a few days. Maybe you both stayed up later, or cuddled longer in the morning. My point is that you each changed your lives during those two weeks in order to devote time to the relationship.
Now, five months after moving in together, here's the deal: the relationship lives in and among the daily and weekly routines. Your time for the relationship is no longer segregated from your time for all the other many things in your lives. It is woven in among jobs, friends, family, laundry, groceries and so on. If someone is tired, sex can wait -- because there's tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that (which isn't the case on a limited holiday. On a holiday, the attitude is sex now! sleep later!)
You used to put your lives somewhat on hold to be with each other. Now you each have 24/7 lives AND your relationship. You're just having some trouble integrating the two.
Please talk to your boyfriend about this. Choose a totally non-threatening time; a sunny Saturday lunch, for instance (and nowhere near the bedroom!). If you are feeling such things as "I don't want to break up with him, but I can't stay in this relationship," and "I feel so very confused, disappointed, hurt, rejected, unimportant and will need to take action soon," then it's past time for you to talk.
The two of you are together in this now. He may have some concerns too, and isn't sharing them with you yet because he's not sure how it will go. Be honest -- but kind -- and see if you can make some progress here before this gets any worse.
Will you come back and update us?
October 19, 2009 - 9:20amThis Comment
Well, we had our talk and he had a lot of concerns too because he is feeling very homesick and feels like he's stuck here because I moved here recently. We are working it out. I'm glad we talked :-)
October 27, 2009 - 3:16amThis Comment