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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Add a Comment1230 Comments
THERE ARE NOT TOO MANY THINGS THAT ARE WORSE OR CAN HURT YOUR FEELINGS MORE THAN HAVING YOUR MAN NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. IT HAPPENED TO ME. IT IS CURRENTLY HAPPENING TO ME. THAT IS A HURT LIKE NONOTHER.
January 15, 2011 - 12:07pmThis Comment
There is nothing worse than this situation...To be loved, but to be denied the physical part of loving someone is so painful. A choice ultimately is can you stand it ? If you know the love is there but the passion from him is not it hurts like nothing else. One danger is damaging a woman's self esteem..among other damaging things associated with your guy not wanting sex..Well guess that means that is all he thinks it is.
January 16, 2011 - 12:37pmThis Comment
Hi Anonymous,
Well, if he is not gay and just in depression mode, men have a hard time (as do women) knowing that they fall off the "I can do everything myself attitude" and get help to get it back together.
I agree and would be angry as well about the lack of sex. Although sex isn't everything in a relationship, it certainly brings two people together for that close feeling. I think putting your foot down about his distance and possibly removing yourself and the children from the situation temporarily may provide him a wake up call on his depression. It is hard to realize when you cannot do everything or be Superman, especially for your wife and children.
I certainly wish you the best and hope to hear what decisions you make.
January 15, 2011 - 10:30amBest of luck,
Missie
This Comment
I need help, our marriage is literally dependng on the answer of why are we not having sex. We started out great but after the first 6 months it died and after the wedding...it stopped. I tried dressing up, role play, I begged, I cried asking why he doesn't want me. We have kids but I'm still in great shape and have no problem if I decided to walk...which he tells me to go ahaead and do if that's what makes me happy. I never get a real answer..but he's home at normal times. He doesnt seem interested in the kids anymore. I found out after our marriage he had lied about who he was and his sexual history and all relationships....at 25 I married a virgin who was into anime! This came out when we went for testing for the pregancy between the doctors. It started going to once a month to I don't remember when the last time was...maybe 3 months ago. I don't get it! Now we're over four years like this...I wish he'd just leave us if he's so misserable that he has to act this way...he doesn't even say goodnight, I just notice after a little that he's not around anymore and must have gone to sleep. We sleep in seperate beds..he says its because of the kids but please....where there's a will there's a way, right? My parents and sister think he might be gay and confused...please help, I'm going crazy. (I can't afford to just leave him so a real solution/reason would be great, thanks)
January 15, 2011 - 12:44amThis Comment
Dear Anon,
Sometimes it's just a sex issue in the marriage where the couple is happy but no sex. In your case, however, it goes much deeper than just lack of sex. Your comments like, "we sleep in separate beds", "he doesn't even say goodnight" and his lack of interest in the relationship altogether are signs that he is probably not interested anymore.
But what makes your family assume he's gay? Certainly not because he was a 25 year old virgin into anime...I know a few anime buffs myself and they are far from being gay.
I think you and him need to reevaluate your marriage... consider counseling if you are both interested in saving it. But it's definitely time to face the music and determine if you both want to be with eachother.
Best Wishes!
January 15, 2011 - 7:14amThis Comment
The gay aspect is because I think my family/friends are seeing how much this is hurting me and his recent oh so homophobic attitude which is so fake (one of my friends is a gay male-we use to all hang out-he's the one who first suggested the idea but no evidence). I tried to be patient since he didn't even have a girlfriend until we got together EVER (which I found out after our vows-all his lies about past relationships that I used to base his character on destroyed) He is very passive agressive, in which if I bring up an issue and he doesn't have anything to say about it..he will pout and then try to ruin anything we had planned for the next couple weeks. He skipped out on a huge camping trip because he said we were leaving to late even though I said I would set up the tent. (we were an hour behind but it also was because I didn't have his stuff packed like I had the kids stuff) I went anyway hoping he'd change his mind (our youngest was 6mo old) --he knew it made me so mad that while we were gone he got the dog upto date on her shots and cleaned some of the house. I don't know if he's just mental but omg, he's like a pissed off teen with no sex drive. I just found lastnight that the character he made to help my son play on a game site (our son is 12-its a kids game) he was playing around and said he would wash the girls back for her but deleated it before I could read more...I know that's petty but come on! The smaller boys under 5 are up my butt trying to get daddy to play-they are hurt too...(some days are great as far as his fathering-4 out of 7) I thought maybe he's just an ass and since we're married he doesn't have to be nice anymore. We've known eachother since highschool until he joined the military, now he's become so unapproachable because he just shuts down. We tried counseling, nothing worked. We started like all these other stories of limited sex until finally none. He says he loves me but would do nothing to stop me from leaving saying "if that's what makes you happy", so I guess I need to start saving to leave. WARNING to women, if he wants you to stay home with the kids and you leave your job...just be very careful. I really just want to see the man who I loved again, I know he's not cheating or on drugs. He's uninterested in life I think all together. I've even offered to move to the other side of the country..wherever would make him happy. Sex is just one of the deepest personal disconnection he could do to me..since he knows it hurts my feelings and can't offer anything else (cuddling/time together) I guess staying with him would make as much sence as a woman who was beaten to stay...we're both hoping for a change that is something in their head and nothing we can do will change it! So confused......and I would give anything to be as fortunate as most on here complaining of once a week!! I wish someone would just be able to say things would get better or even if this is the end, I wish someone else went through it for advice. I can't see me standing in front of a judge saying...I want a divorce because he refuses to sleep with me ---- literally 3-5 times in a year. I was thinking of slipping him drugs..like an antidepressant, or viagra..even just vitamines but he wont eat supper with us no matter what it is and just eats hotpockets or fastfood now. (I tried making his favorite food too) I should probably walk away because the more I'm typping the more I'm thinkin of how much I've been trying to please him and it makes me want to chuck this at his head! He doesn't smoke, drink, cheat, or hide financess...so there are some good qualities. Okay I'll stop rambling but I think sex is just the first step in the pyscological war I seem to have been sucked into..ugh
January 15, 2011 - 9:35amThis Comment
im having the same problem here. me and my boyfriend have been together for awhile and we used to have sex 3 or more times a day and withing the last 2 months its gone from having sex several times a day to not having sex at all. its been 3 weeks since hes even showed any interest in having any kind of sexual interest in me. he doesnt even kiss me like he used to, theres no passion just a little peck and thats all. i know its not his sex drive because hes admited that hes been pleasuring himself atleast 5 times a day sometimes AND WE LIVE TOGETHER! this morning i was trying to seduce him while we were playing in bed, and he did get hard, but he showed no interest in wanting to do anything he just laid there with his eyes closed until i got frustrated and got out of bed. i dont know what to do anymore but this really hurts. i feel like he just doesnt want me anymore and doesnt know how to tell me.
January 14, 2011 - 6:11amThis Comment
Here are some articles that may be of interest to consider on this thread. They will not apply to everyone, but just consider how your behavior affects your relationship, and how working on yourself can improve things not only in your current situation, but possibly every relationship you could have: Taking Risks in Love and Life,
January 13, 2011 - 9:12amOvercoming Fear of Intimacy,
Who's Having Sex in America?,
Improving Communication with Your Partner, and
Ingredients for a Great Relationship
Good luck!
This Comment
Yeah, you know, it's quite funny how selfish some girls act at crucial times in a relationship. My girlfriend, for example, while expecting me to take her feelings into consideration, completely ignores mine, when it came to this exact same issue. If she had been the one to say "Oh, well, I don't want to have sex for x reason," then, oh well, who cares? But if the tables are turned, then all of a sudden I'm an evil bastard who is cheating, who is stressed, who thinks my girlfriend is fat, unattractive, etc. And when I tell her about these feelings, what happens? She exclaims "You don't like me. You think I'm ugly. You think I'm unattractive. You think I'm fat. You think this. You think that." Well, I can't win. It's impossible. Which is why I am posting this comment. It seemed to work for someone else I know.
January 12, 2011 - 9:09pmThis Comment
Listen. I am going throughout the EXACT same thing. And I have cried for several several nights over it. And now, I see everything clearly now. I used to think, 'the reason my boyfriend doesn't want me is because I'm too fat, or I'm unattractive to him' but ya know what, I have a great personality and I am not going to starve myself for a guy. I do love him, but I am a better person than him, and I could have another guy by tomorrow so I don't NEED him. You're not going to take what I say into worth into you have an experience that will make you think the same way, but just know that all you need is God into your heart, and a great family, and things will come around. Only you can change yourself.
January 12, 2011 - 8:10pmThis Comment