I have seen other discussion threads that primarily focused on the use of porn, but this discussion thread has primarily been young women asking "why doesn't my boyfriend/ partner/husband want to have sex with me?", with no mention of porn use.
For these women on this specific discussion thread, I do think it makes sense that "so many" are complaining of this problem. The success rate of dating is very low, actually, if you think of "success" as marrying one person for a lifetime. Depending on how many people a woman dates (say a conservative 10), and if she is "successful" at finding her one true love, her success rate is still "low" because that means she "failed" 9 times out of 10. That may be a silly analogy, but when you think about so many women complaining about their boyfriends, it puts it into perspective.
Other thoughts:
1. Most of these woman are teens and 20s, with similar-aged partners. Communication in dating is still being developed, and unfortunately, many of the partners may not be communicating their real desires, concerns, needs, wants.
2. After further discussion on EmpowHER, most of these woman have not openly talked about physical intimacy with their partners; they turn the blame to themselves ("what did I do wrong?" "am I ugly..."). Sex and physical intimacy still seems to be one of the most difficult topics to talk about in a relationship, even for long-time married couples, so it makes sense that young men and women are struggling to really communicate openly, honestly and listen with intent and openness.
3. Belief in stereotypes. Yes, there are some men who want sex often. There are also men who are not interested in sex as often, but still really enjoy frequent physical connection and sex. "Often" can be once per day, once per week, once per month...there are as many different sexual preferences as there are individuals! And, when we discuss "sex"...the actual act of intercourse versus being a sexual person or having a sexual relationship can vary in description from person-to-person. I'm still amazed at how many women and men use and perpetuate stereotypes, either to their advantage when they choose or to say they don't apply. For instance, two harmful stereotypes: "men always want sex" and "women are sluts if they like sex".
4. "He's not that into you". It's a book and a movie, but very true. Sex is often a symptom of other problems in a relationship, and is usually the most noticeable. I don't doubt that some of these men do want to have sex more often...just not with their current girlfriend. (Same for the women, too). How many of these young men are not communicating that they want to break up, and just allowing their girlfriend or partner to pick up on the clues?
So..whether it be the men want sex often, they do not know how to communicate with their partner that they are not longer wanting a relationship, or these young men feel that they are being forced/manipulated into having sex and must perform to certain standards (instead of just two people physically enjoying each other), is up to each couple to determine.
I still think the key to all of this is to talk about sex, sexuality and intimacy more often, as more and more women seem to be communicating on this thread that "sex = love", and conversely "no sex = no love", without really listening to their partner.
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Thanks for adding to this discussion!
I have seen other discussion threads that primarily focused on the use of porn, but this discussion thread has primarily been young women asking "why doesn't my boyfriend/ partner/husband want to have sex with me?", with no mention of porn use.
For these women on this specific discussion thread, I do think it makes sense that "so many" are complaining of this problem. The success rate of dating is very low, actually, if you think of "success" as marrying one person for a lifetime. Depending on how many people a woman dates (say a conservative 10), and if she is "successful" at finding her one true love, her success rate is still "low" because that means she "failed" 9 times out of 10. That may be a silly analogy, but when you think about so many women complaining about their boyfriends, it puts it into perspective.
Other thoughts:
1. Most of these woman are teens and 20s, with similar-aged partners. Communication in dating is still being developed, and unfortunately, many of the partners may not be communicating their real desires, concerns, needs, wants.
2. After further discussion on EmpowHER, most of these woman have not openly talked about physical intimacy with their partners; they turn the blame to themselves ("what did I do wrong?" "am I ugly..."). Sex and physical intimacy still seems to be one of the most difficult topics to talk about in a relationship, even for long-time married couples, so it makes sense that young men and women are struggling to really communicate openly, honestly and listen with intent and openness.
3. Belief in stereotypes. Yes, there are some men who want sex often. There are also men who are not interested in sex as often, but still really enjoy frequent physical connection and sex. "Often" can be once per day, once per week, once per month...there are as many different sexual preferences as there are individuals! And, when we discuss "sex"...the actual act of intercourse versus being a sexual person or having a sexual relationship can vary in description from person-to-person. I'm still amazed at how many women and men use and perpetuate stereotypes, either to their advantage when they choose or to say they don't apply. For instance, two harmful stereotypes: "men always want sex" and "women are sluts if they like sex".
4. "He's not that into you". It's a book and a movie, but very true. Sex is often a symptom of other problems in a relationship, and is usually the most noticeable. I don't doubt that some of these men do want to have sex more often...just not with their current girlfriend. (Same for the women, too). How many of these young men are not communicating that they want to break up, and just allowing their girlfriend or partner to pick up on the clues?
So..whether it be the men want sex often, they do not know how to communicate with their partner that they are not longer wanting a relationship, or these young men feel that they are being forced/manipulated into having sex and must perform to certain standards (instead of just two people physically enjoying each other), is up to each couple to determine.
I still think the key to all of this is to talk about sex, sexuality and intimacy more often, as more and more women seem to be communicating on this thread that "sex = love", and conversely "no sex = no love", without really listening to their partner.
Just my two cents!
March 14, 2010 - 7:29pmThis Comment
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