Kristin, this is such a great question! I would love to read what others think about it too.
I have to say no. We don't resolve everything before we go to bed. In a way, I think it's very unrealistic to think that all issues CAN be decided in a day, especially if both partners feel strongly about it.
I wonder how many of the wives who got the message of never going to bed angry ended up being the peacemaker, giving in, no matter what? I think I saw that pattern in my own parents. My father was the dominant personality, my mother was the peacemaker, which meant that often, her own wants or needs went by the wayside. (I used to see her role as weakness; now I realize that sometimes, being the one who compromises is actually a position of strength).
And I wonder how many husbands got a message from their own fathers that they should never go to bed angry? Was this something that only women passed down to one another, do you think?
I think my husband and I have a middle ground. We can go to bed during a disagreement, but we sort of suspend the disagreement for the night. We can say "sweet dreams" to one another and mean it even if we're on opposite sides about something going on in our daily life. It's an acknowledgement that, while we disagree now, we know we will get through it.
Some issues take days and weeks to work through. It seems like to say "we will solve every issue the day it arises" is unrealistic at best and laughable at its worst. But perhaps the difference is how the discussion goes. My husband and I really don't "fight." We can disagree mightily, we can cry or get angry, but we still keep perspective. That's just a matter of respect. I think couples who truly fight, meaning with raised voices or insults, have even deeper issues going on.
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Kristin, this is such a great question! I would love to read what others think about it too.
I have to say no. We don't resolve everything before we go to bed. In a way, I think it's very unrealistic to think that all issues CAN be decided in a day, especially if both partners feel strongly about it.
I wonder how many of the wives who got the message of never going to bed angry ended up being the peacemaker, giving in, no matter what? I think I saw that pattern in my own parents. My father was the dominant personality, my mother was the peacemaker, which meant that often, her own wants or needs went by the wayside. (I used to see her role as weakness; now I realize that sometimes, being the one who compromises is actually a position of strength).
And I wonder how many husbands got a message from their own fathers that they should never go to bed angry? Was this something that only women passed down to one another, do you think?
I think my husband and I have a middle ground. We can go to bed during a disagreement, but we sort of suspend the disagreement for the night. We can say "sweet dreams" to one another and mean it even if we're on opposite sides about something going on in our daily life. It's an acknowledgement that, while we disagree now, we know we will get through it.
Some issues take days and weeks to work through. It seems like to say "we will solve every issue the day it arises" is unrealistic at best and laughable at its worst. But perhaps the difference is how the discussion goes. My husband and I really don't "fight." We can disagree mightily, we can cry or get angry, but we still keep perspective. That's just a matter of respect. I think couples who truly fight, meaning with raised voices or insults, have even deeper issues going on.
What about you? What's your thought?
December 29, 2008 - 9:29amThis Comment
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